One day at a time.

The days are getting longer... one minute, one day at a time.
Time will outlive us.
Its boundless love is a reminder we all share throughout the year... season to season.

Loneliness

Loneliness like so many things these days it travels at the speed of light.
In a flash you walk in one door and your life is a dream come true...
all for someone and about you.
You turn around and the bottom falls out and what you had... is no more.
Out the door! You can't run fast enough all you want is to be out of sight.

Angel's Wings

A season of greetings and cheer to all...
cold and warm tonight.
Wishes of peace and harmony for all...
she guides you through the night.

Memories of our childhood dreams
and who we may or still don't know.
Look deep into the glass and
see what we ought to hear.

We see ourselves for who we are...
the truth and what we are owing.
Give and give to all... near and far!
For only love can keep us going.

A joyous time to renew for a few.
On swift she comes... Angel's Wings.
Bring so many of the happy things
to mine beloved and to all of you!

A season of greetings and cheer to all...
cold and warm tonight.
She lays down her sword...
offers the Star, with the gift of Light.

È la mia vita

My gift of love
to so many...
spread so thin.

Who's first in line?
Who claims me mine?
Every time I choose
I always lose.

My gift of love, I spread it too thin.
No one is happy, cause they never win.
In the end, I'm by myself... once again.
Almost out of time... no where to begin.

Ode to Divorce

It's not even about luck and who gives a fuck.
It's not about dukes or when it's time to duck.
When it's not about love when it comes to marriage.
It's who wins the rights to the horse and carriage.

This Way Out

We need to cry...
when we have to say, good bye.
All we may and without a doubt...
it's the only way... to let it out.

The Face in the Mirror by Robert Graves

Grey haunted eyes, absent-mindedly glaring
From wide, uneven orbits; one brow drooping
Somewhat over the eye
Because of a missile fragment still inhering,
Skin-deep, as a foolish record of old-world fighting.

Crookedly broken nose — low tackling caused it;
Cheeks, furrowed; coarse grey hair, flying frenetic;
Forehead, wrinkled and high;
Jowls, prominent; ears, large; jaw, pugilistic;
Teeth, few; lips, full and ruddy; mouth, ascetic.

I pause with razor poised, scowling derision
At the mirrored man whose beard needs my attention,
And once more ask him why
He still stands ready, with a boy’s presumption,
To court the queen in her high silk pavilion.

Talk To My Head

If you ever loved me or if you even had a clue...
I wouldn't have to be here still paying our dues.
I never asked you for a whole hell of a lot,
except reminding you of what you forgot.

Always up to me to make it right.
I never wanted to get into a fight.
I may have been born at night...
But I sure wasn't born last night!

When it came time for you to step up to the plate,
and tell you what was on time and what was late...
It didn't matter if it was rainy or sunny.
It was just about me and my need for money.

The day came when I said, "I've had enough."
Face to face like a fool I had to be tough.
If I was doing it alone...
I was doing it all alone.

I said everything that had to be said.
I stood there like I had three heads.
I may have been born at night...
But I sure wasn't born last night!

It was about love not money.
An "I love you, Honey" on the first of the month
done and said.
Life's short, you made your bed, take your pick...
talk to my head.

Over You and Out

You can call me a loser but,
I'm over you.
And I'm never losing sleep
over you again.

It was always over my head
lost more than love but,
I'm never losing sleep
ever again... over you.

I have nothing to lose
and there's no excuse.
You were my wife and
I let you run my life.
That's all in the past...
first drop to the last.

I'm not a loser
Losers are weepers.
Cheaper to keep her?
I'd rather lose her,
not to confuse her and
be able to sleep again.

Your friends know I'm done,
and how I'm over you.
And I'm never losing sleep
over you... ever again.

No matter how you twist it
how you want the world to see it.
The truth that everyone knows...
my love was merely a visit.

From then until now,
from now until then.
Over night! Over you!
I'm never losing sleep
It's over... so over.
never losing sleep
over that girl, again.

Always over my head...
that's what you said.
I'm going to bed.
I'm here without you
with someone else instead.

Good night! Sleep tight!
I'll never let them bite...
because of you, just you!
I'll still lose plenty of sleep.
Now I'm with her and so over you!

Autumn Fairy's Quest

Autumn brisk clear, and color bright,
Fragrant leaves chasing in the day...
then they run and hide in the night.

Calm at dawn gathered together,
awaiting a sudden moments gust.
The chase begins of color rust
up and away light as a feather.

Acorns pound all about,
food for squirrels no doubt.
Holes they will burrow...
a dinner saved for tomorrow.

Get ready for the months ahead?
Celebrating leaves will fly instead.
There's not much time and not much rest.
Make way for Winter... Autumn Fairy's Quest!

Indolently Selfish

For generous people it's never an issue of how much they enjoy helping others.
Yet, for the selfish... it's amazing how far they'll go to prove they don't have to.
They're the same people who will arguably put more of an effort into not doing something than it would actually take to do it.

With This Ring

Some things are owned and some loaned.
There's stuff you get out of love... just a given.
Simply put they come along and just for livin'
Gifts, devoted things... celebrations thrown.

Lovers make a pact to always be true
and pick out the stone he gives to you.
It's way more than a gift...
it's her's, a pedestal lift.

So what happens when times are tough.
You have to do what you need to do
to make ends meet.
You're still in love but things get rough.
You try each day without having to go
out into the street.

Something has changed.
You're doing it all alone.
You ask her for help...
she offers you the stone.

It's hard to believe that just a few months ago
she would have thought it would be crazy...
but now you get that stare...
out into space.
She's just standing there,
tossing your devotion back at you...
into your face.

They say a diamond is forever.
She had other ideas about love,
devotion, caring, trust and...
what I'm going to remember.

Sleep Tight

It'll be alright. I'll stay here by the fire.
My love is in our room and I'm not feeling well.
The flames are warm, outside a storm.
My head's aching and my fever higher.

I know it wouldn't be right.
She can't get what I have.
I'll stay here through the night.

I can see her in my mind thinking
the man she loves has to stay away.
Doing it for her is all I need to do.
I'm shivering with sweat... it's ok.

I know it wouldn't be right.
She can't get what I have.
I'll make it through the night.
I'll be fine, I'll be fine... she's mine.

My eyes close, asleep? I suppose.
There's a blanket over my head.
I can hear her coming.
All she'll see is my nose.

She tells me something I'll never forget.
It came over me with sadness and gloom.
What she has here is half of what she had.
Before there was me, she had her own room.

Still it just doesn't seem right.
She only wants what she had?
You'll make it through the night.
I'm fine my love... sleep tight.

Post Script.
If in fact what you swore was true and what you really said was about you only having room for,"half your stuff"... where then was the other half? (Busted) We both know what you really said and now... so does everyone else.

G+G=A #2

I've made very poor choices... big mistakes not failures.
I've never failed anyone in spite of how they failed me.
Judged, graded by the jealous and jaded.
I'm proud of the truth and live beyond the tears.
While you grapple with guilt over the milk you have spilt,
I'll live for love throughout the rest of my years.

It's Not About Me

How many times do I get a next time?
Do I get another chance to live...
or how much I can?
Too many do overs getting in the way
and I never know when I can stay...
or even how to plan.

A matter of fact you always disregard.
It's all about the love that comes easy
and who gets another chance.
The winner taking a stance and
who, for what its worth... has it hard.

Give me one more time to show you
how I can give you what you need.
It doesn't mean I don't love you...
how often must you make me bleed.
How many times do I have to bleed.

When you're done with me,
will you count the times that count?
When you're through with me...
will you come back and do it again...
and done before... again and again?

Il Ragazzo e la Ragazza

Sitting on a college lawn
with nothing to do...
just the grass beneath.
It was our seat.

Your hair so black...
it was never in it's place.
We always laughed...
till we were hardly a trace.

So sweet, soft spoken,
never a frown...
I'd buzz around you
like a happy clown.

We barely thought about time
and how it was to go.
It never mattered...
slow was fast and
fast was slow.

Where ever we went
we brought all we had seen...
our thoughts and ideas
and everything in between.

There was magic in our sights.
We'd go from mornings...
on into so many nights.
There was liquid in our lights.

Thick

"Love Means You Never Have to Say You're Sorry"
You just have say, "I Love You"
...every couple of years.

Golden Hands

I've been thinking about how I managed to get this far and how far I'm going to go before it's time to go. I have memories of being a kid and seeing each day as a new beginning. Some days trailed into each other and became quests to make something happen.
I used to build things that couldn't take just one day to do. I learned that if you try to make something happen in one day that is supposed to take a week you wind up with something that looks like hell. A kit is a box of pieces that go together in just a certain way. I have to admit that reading instructions is boring but there's nothing worse than pulling something apart because something had to go inside first. After a while and a lot of really crappy kits later I found out that reading instructions could actually enhance the experience of putting things together. They became the best night time reading in bed moments and became a way better thing to do than reading comic books at night. Look at me growing up. That actually was a growing up thing.
That's how comic books went away. It was so cool to be reading how it would go together. My imagination would kick in and I'd see how it would look. So that's how that happened too. I can still do that. It's so important to be able to visualize how what you want to make will look when you're done. What a blessing it was to have had those opportunities to learn how to do what I want to do.
Sometimes I feel bad that I was so alone. It took a lot of time to learn that that's not such a bad thing when you can do what I can do. Josie used to say I had golden hands. She gave me a screw driver and a cutting pliers and I was on my way. Thanks Mom for that old radio you let me take apart. That's what started it all.

True Until Death

There's so many things that still need to be said,
those things that'll make it right... before I'm dead.
I know how it's right for me and not about who.
I want to say those things... directly to you.

Searching For A Melody

I've lived my life like a tune
with just a chorus...
recurring intervals of hope
while searching for you.
One song without a beginning.
One Song without an end.

Now You Know It

I guess it's not what we feel it's how we show it.
All of those years I was and you didn't know it.
What I'd keep inside, you could call it pride...
I was so afraid to let it out and then I'd blow it.

There's a rage that's been burning deep within me
from the very moment I met you.
It's a fire that no other man can ever achieve.
It's so hard to keep hidden, it's always there.
When I think of someone who just might dare
take the chance and finally get you.

Did you really think? Is it such a surprise?
It was always there right behind my eyes.
It's a shameful sadness,
and definitely madness.
It's my weakness and I've keep it stored...
my jealousy, my fears... so insecure.

You needed a man who was forever strong...
determined to get there what ever the fight.
Care about a man who thought he could lose you?
How can I say yes? and yet... still be right?
Just keep it out of sight and never show it.
I'm so jealous. I confess... now you know it.

Now I find out that he's back from the past.
He wasn't the first and he won't be the last.
It's just that you make it such a big deal
about what I wasn't and who'll make it real.
Go do what you do I'll get over your shame.
You're not so sweet and I always get the blame.

Moral Fiber

Knowing the truth and not only having what it takes to tell it, but having what it takes to explain it.

A Day Late...

Will it be, when I die, no matter how it comes...
just another lonely day without you.
When time becomes just another word
and silence is all that is heard...
will I be able to think about who I was
for all those years and what I did
to cause all your tears.

No more stars at night.
No morning light.
Fade to black?
Fade to white?
I was a bum... before.
Am I cold ?
I'm not old anymore!

Where is your hand, your lips... touch mine?
Do I have to go all by myself... it's best?
I wish I was with you just one more time.
I don't like the idea of being laid to rest.

All those times you were alone.
It's you? Please ring the phone.
One last breath, True Until Death,
For you only, I'll keep it in reserve.

I know... I'm getting what I deserve.

If The Shoe Fits

Don't waste your time thinking about women who hang out in bars drinking.

You'll never reach a point where you can call her your friend,
even when she tells you she loves you, always will, till the end.
Soon there will be days when you wonder why she won't hold you
or tell you she loves you like she promised when she took your hand.
She'll twist things around making it seem like it's always your fault
then she'll insult you by telling you you're the one she can't stand.

Then one day you'll be convinced she doesn't care
after you've been reduced to all that you can bear.
She'll make it seem like it was all up to you...
to give her what she wants, what's owed to her and by you.
All the time you gave... all your love... out the window!
You failed her, she should stay and you be the one to go.

You beg her to take you back, to give it some time
after she headed out the door...
But she's going out... having a few with "friends"again,
and just like she did before.
She brags how you failed her to everyone she knows...
she's right and without guilt, everywhere she goes.

You know in your heart how much she really loves you,
but because she's so thick... she'll try every trick.
It doesn't matter how good they look or what you're thinking...
just steer clear of women who hang out in bars... drinking.

You're Still Mine

I've thought what love is.
I thought I've loved.
There were times that I wished I hadn't and times I wished I had.
All of those times never amounted to what I know now.
I never felt such a love as the love I have for you.

Though pain we've shared...
you still returned.
Sometimes so bad, yet your desire for me
within you it always burned.

You still have my soul,
forever, you and me.
Of love and above,
I belong to you.

Through all my years, no one can... what you do,
and how you bring it to me.
We shared our first beads of sweat,
loves taste... I will never forget.

How many times we've ridden the waves.
It doesn't matter how the ocean behaves.
There's a shore and all it's sand.
We will love there, hand and hand.

Happy Birthday Josie

I remember the day I actually out ran you, your words and how you were, "...going to fix my wagon."
It was dark by the time I got enough guts to return. You didn't fix my wagon. You just stood there on the stoop and said, "You hungry?"
Between gulps I looked up at you... sitting there... watching me consume a bowl of macaroni. "Some day, you little bastid, you're gonna have your own kids."
Mom... about that wagon, "Happy Birthday." I love you and I'm missing you.

Once Upon A "Sally Show" (an e-mail to Kit Carson)

Quick story... maybe not so quick.
Van Johnson, Ginger Rogers and Jane Russell are on the show. I have Van waiting just off the set to go on and Jane is sitting on the steps putting lipstick on for the second time in 5 minutes. First segment ends and of course I have to be the one who has to go out and wipe the drool from Gingers chin and the fucking producer or Sally... who ever... decides to keep the old gal and her wheel chair out there for an extra segment. Drool gets blotted, I duck back behind the set and the saga continues.
Back to Van and to tell him he'll be on in the next segment. Jane is now on her third attempt to smear an extra coating and Heightman comes on head sets and tells me to get a mic check from Van. I go over and make the request and he goes, "This is Van Johnson giving Rocky a mic check, one, two, three, four." Then he, the tall dude, bends down and kisses me on the fore head. Heightman hears this and says,"Is that what I just heard... what he did?" "Yes it was!", I said. "Rocky! Please don't get upset... it's OK! It's OK!!! That's Hollywood Shtick!!!!" Heightman must have thought I was possibly having a major homophobic meltdown! I covered my headset mic and said "No big deal! Who fucking cares! Van Johnson just kissed me... (whispering) I think it's pretty cool. Don't you?" I said that just to fuck with Guy's head. Anyway.
Segment ends and I push him out... Rogers over, and just in time to blot the next run of drool. Segment begins and I get back to Russel who by now has made a mess of herself with her fucking obsessive lipstick "freshenings". If I had let her go on like that and you took one look at her... oh fuck it! forget any closeups. I grab a box of Sally's tissues(Kleenex... wtf) and go over to Jane and literally order her to blot. She looked at me and said, (truth) "Why... too much for TV?" A moment lapsed... "YES... too much... here...blot!! And give me those! You won't need them anymore. You're up next." I took her lipstick and her pocket mirror and all the tissues just in time to push her out for what ever the fuck the next segment was.
Lord rest all their souls.
You know. I should have kept all Jane's stuff including the blots... they actually looked like her lip prints. Ebay? For Ginger Rogers drool. Who'd believe me.

It's about Her

It's ok to be where I'm at,
but I do feel like something...
... is missing.

I know all to well what it is.
It's a "her"... there isn't one.
I had one but this "her"...
... isn't here now.

Oh she's there alright...
She's out there... way out.
I'm not about to get her
no matter how I try.

"Her" heart is out to break
the only one I've got.
Mine it pumps... how it beats.
says she cares and then deletes.

It's ok to be where I'm at.
I'll sit here and I'll recall
just what she said,
"I Love you" and how!
Now go take the fall.

Another Night... "Good night"

Closing my eyes, sitting in my chair.
The little sting of the sandman coaxing me to stop.
I want to say let's go... I'm going to rest my head.
I know behind me, I could be lying down and in my bed.

I want to stop and call it a night and save the juice.
Walk around pulling strings, turning out the lights.
No matter what I do I can't stop thinking of you.
Romantic memories... beat myself up. What's the use?

It seems I'll never learn that it's just so dumb
for me to think. I think too much. Just let it go.
I finish off what they start and doubt it'll happen.
Forget it. You're only as good as your last show.

My eyes are almost shut. I can barely see.
It's you. Is it a dream? You're right here.
The little sting reminding me you're not.
Romantic memories and me... you forgot.

I'm Not Really Tired

So it's time to write again.
I'm alone... again.
No phone calls or letters
to think of.
Who does that anymore?

I got a card for Fathers Day
it's right here next to me.
It was signed... the ink is dry.
I'm playing music on my radio...
no... my music's not on a radio.
What's my radio?

I hear the beat in sync with my heart.
As long as I can pay the bills...
neither one, for everyone...
will they have to stop.

Time to stop, enough said.
I wish it wasn't still light out...
no phone calls, no letters,
I feel like going to bed.

The Coward by Eve Merriam

You, weeping wide at war, weep with me now.

Cheating a little at peace, come near
And let us cheat together here.

Look at my guilt, mirror of my shame.
Deserter, I will not turn you in;
I am your trembling twin!

Afraid, our double knees lock in knocking fear;
Running from the guns we stumble upon each other.
Hide in my lap of terror: I am your mother.

-- Only we two, and yet our howling can
Encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.

And frightened, we are everyone.
Someone must make a stand.
Coward, take my coward's hand.

-- Eve Merriam (1916-1992)

No Emails This Morning

Sitting by myself... hitting refresh...
thinking that something might change.
It's seems like hours since she went away
and that cover is there on my head.

I need to look out but what will I see?
There's no message coming in...
"why do I let myself get this way?"
Try it again, maybe now, no not now.

She could have once said, "I love you"
and gone back to bed. Instead...
now I sit here and hit refresh
losing my heart and out of my head.

Josie Doesn't Have An Email Address

When I was a kid my mom never made a big deal about Mother's day. It was just another Sunday with a pot of gravy on the stove and my card on the table. From time to time I'd see her take a moment to read it again. It wasn't like Christmas tears to see her there. Her hugs were stronger and her words, "Every day is Mother's Day since I had you."... she'd say them in Italian and tell me that's what Grandma used to say to her. My Mom missed Grandma. That's where the Mother's Day tears came from. My Mom became a Grandma... I miss her too.

When He Loves

When a man is one,
he just lives for fun.
When he is two...
he lives for you.

My Mom and Dad still forgave me.

Easter Sunday... 1957.

Holy Saturday... drizzling rain all day... windows, droplets, the chill... radiator warm. It didn't matter one bit, that night I was going to get a new rain coat... a real trench coat. So cool... fold over front... buttons and belt, I had nothing else on my mind... not so young any more.
A change of plans... I was on my way out the door at 2pm... I would get the chance to wear my coat... couldn't wait for ever... time wouldn't let me. But I had to be at The Church for Holy Saturday... I was in the choir... to sing... what to do? One voice missing... just this one time and time wouldn't let me. I said nothing and went with my folks to get my new coat... all mine... not so young any more. The services slipped from in side my head... into the stream of rain that flowed away down the paths of my coat. It hung in my room in the dark. I thought how tomorrow would be the first time my parents would at Mass since I was a little kid and now they would go and spot me in the balcony singing thanks for so much.
I arrived early that morning at the church in my new coat with my freshly ironed uniform draped over my arm bright red and white. My mother and father would arrive later in time to see it and hear it all. The entire choir was assembling and then I hear her... Sister Mary Bernard calling to me... words of anger. The choir parted like the Red Sea and a cloud that I ran from the day before caught up to my life and poured down without a moment's lost over the time that wouldn't let me. She threw me out. I didn't show up on Holy Saturday. She took what my mom ironed and told me to leave. The silence returned itself to an attentive group of hovering red and moved away down the hall towards 10 o'clock Mass.
I left the church and made my way across the street in my new rain coat. I stood all alone that morning occasionally saying Happy Easter to people hurrying for the wooden doors that separated me from my mom and dad. I didn't think anything else. I didn't care if I was out of the choir... or that I was even missing Easter Sunday Mass and going to hell for it. All I could imagine was the smiles and turned heads of my parents looking to catch a glimpse of me. Over and over I made it run through head. I closed my coat and pulled my collar up in shame.
Easter Sunday, for me, would never be the same and I add to the rhyme... I am totally to blame.

I just had a thought about:

The block where I lived... the secluded places of private imagination. Water cool... Summer and then back to school. Books and pens... paper and penmanship that counted for extra points.

Today's Lesson

"When good stares you in the face and you fuck with it... shit happens."